Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Guantanamo Bae