God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My beach vacation Google searches
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing