Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products