The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
do what now??
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
That eye roll….
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.