Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.