I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
You Might Also Like
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
This hospital has everything
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
This is the coolest video you will see today.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.