A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take