Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
thanks auntie mary
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.