Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.