*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
You Might Also Like
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
a public service announcement
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*