Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.