Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I like crazy people until they notice me
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.