I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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90Me: Nailed it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.