My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!