“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: