*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“Wait, let me explain..”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.