Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy