If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My birthstone is a marshmallow