[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.