Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Every. Damn. Time.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!