If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.