Cndnsd Mlk
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Become ungovernable.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.