Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?