[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.