This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
thank god the sign was there
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
This is the one
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
im 7 sauces long
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato