I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Just a bush.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
christening a ship with an overripe banana
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
No. He’s not coming out to play
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.