My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
mechanics be like
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
a lot to unpack here
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Spring of Deception