ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.