lmfao come on
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subtitles are so good nowadays
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.