My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.