ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I think about this a lot
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m not wrong
Green is just blue that someone peed in
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.