When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Only a mother’s love …
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow