If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Match dot com, but for socks.