The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on