Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see đ
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, âDo we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him đ
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Howâs virtual school going for you? Iâll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves đ
IT: So you were hacked? Whatâs your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
groan^2
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like heâs never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
WeirdâŚthe ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profileâŚ
a woman wished me a âhappy resurrectionâ today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]