*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
much to think about
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Care for your back