I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
i really liked this one
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.