I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…