why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
OH. COME. ON.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.