CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.