Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
You Might Also Like
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Labreador
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I just love that new Pope smell.
My Sentiments Exactly
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.