doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Who’s ready for Friday?!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches