Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.