visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My birthstone is kidney