Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.