[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again