If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
New menu item
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
my mind
You just read my mind
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My blood type is coffee.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.