never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.