My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
🤣🤣🤣
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.