They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie